What it’s REALLY like to police a sex club: How ‘consent monitors’ kick men out for ‘lurking at lesbians’ and ensure there’s ‘pre-scene negotiation’ before any BDSM play
- Consent monitors at sex clubs have revealed what its like to work at sex parties
- One said they have had to throw men out for ‘spanking women’ and ‘lurking’
- Others have said they’ve needed to break up BDSM scenes when it appears a woman isn’t enjoying it
Consent monitors who work at sex clubs have revealed what it’s really like to police intimate parties, from interrupting BDSM scenes to check if everyone is happy to kicking out men out for lurking on groups of lesbians.
Speaking to, a group of monitors revealed how they works at a sex parties actress the UK to ensure everyone is sticking to pre-designated rules and ‘having fun’.
A consent monitor is a trained member of staff – usually in uniform – whose job is separate from standard security roles, with their main aim to monitor welfare of guests.
One monitor, known only as Alex, revealed to Vice that the most common violation is people overstepping boundaries and going too far -citing one example where he threw a guy out for trying to initiate sex when only oral sex had been agreed.
‘She said, “No, we’re not having sex”‘ He grabbed her hair and carried on with oral sex, but then he went to do it again. Now that was a clear consent violation because she said “we’re not having sex, only oral sex”.
Consent monitors who work at sex clubs have revealed what it’s really like to police intimate parties, from interrupting BDSM scenes to check if everyone is happy to kicking out men out for lurking on groups of lesbians (stock image)
‘She was quite shaken up. His excuse, which I’ve heard many times, was that she looked at him a certain way. Visual cues can never be given as an excuse for consent,’ he explained.
Alex went on that on another occasion he had to throw a man out for because he grabbed a woman’s hair while she was ‘playing with another woman’.
He explained that the man’s excuse was ‘the way she looked at me. She was consenting’ but that ‘the only form of consent is verbal.’
Another monitor, known only as Mia, explained that she had to kick a man out for lurking at a group of lesbian women who were ‘playing’.
She explained there was a ‘a massive group of women that were all playing together’ and that there was ‘one guy that was so excited, he came over and was watching. It made his day’.
What is a consent monitor?
A consent monitor is a person who works at sex club to ensure party-goers are safe and engaging in enthusiastic meaningful consent while playing.
Their job is separate from usual security, such as bouncers or doormen, and they instead monitor sex rooms or ‘dungeons’ to ensure welfare of guests.
Killing Kittens, one of the UK’s biggest sex clubs, explains enthusiastic consent as ‘an enthusiastic response to every aspect of the sexual activity, rather than just a yes, which would be explicit or affirmative consent.
‘The aim here is to reduce pressuring, coercing, or manipulating people into sexual activity, and about reading whether your partner is equally excited to go ahead with things’.
‘At first I kept side shifting, getting in his way. Then when I realised that he wasn’t quite getting the hint, I turned round and very kindly said, “I realise this is really exciting for you, but this isn’t cool”.
She went on that at another private party there was a ‘young lad’ who was ‘young and very posh’.
‘He just walked about the place and every time there was a girl bent over, he slapped her on the ass in a way that was like ‘Boys, boys, lads, lads, lads’. I ran at him and shouted, ‘Get the f*** out of my dungeon now. You’re not welcome here.’
Rich, who has been working as a professional sex monitor at a British club, for six years also explained that often there ‘isn’t a clear cut sign of a problem’ and that often he has to interrupt scenes ‘based on a feeling’.
He citied one example was when there was a ‘basic impact scene’ including spanking taking place.
‘The woman’s body language seemed wooden, her face was expressionless and she seemed to flinch from his touch. The man took out a condom, which indicated to me he wanted to penetrate the woman, at which point I approached and asked him to stop as the person he was playing with didn’t seem to be responding in a way I’d usually expect. He became aggressive, but agreed to step to the side while I spoke to his partner,’ he explained.
Rich went on to say that the woman had ‘no experience of BDSM’ and only agreed to engage because he had pressured her to do so.
‘They barely did any kind of pre-scene negotiation, there was no mention of sexual contact.
‘I called security to have the man removed and then luckily managed to reunite her with her friends. As disruptive as it can be to interrupt, I would rather do so and be wrong about it than to simply dismiss my concerns as over cautious and potentially ignore a serious consent violation,’ he went on.
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